Getting Hurt

Have you ever been hurt?  I have.  I think one of the worst parts of getting hurt is when the person hurting you  refuses to acknowledge that they hurt you.  Another hard part is when almost no one around you believes that you have been hurt...that perhaps you are over reacting or making it up.  It is so incredibly validating when someone can look into your eyes and tell you they believe that you are hurting.

How do you handle being hurt?  My go to defense mechanism is to ignore it and hope it goes away.  I'll save you some trouble and let you know...that doesn't work very well....no that doesn't work at all.  Another way I deal is to retreat within myself...this only works if the person hurting you realized they hurt you because you have stopped talking.  If the person is self-centered and doesn't care...this will not work.

I forgive pretty easily, but this is part of my ignore it and hope it goes away.  It's really easy for me to make excuses for everyone around me...like they didn't know they hurt me or they didn't mean to do it.  As soon as they are nice again I can say to myself...see I was right...they weren't hurting intentionally.  But does intentionality matter?  If the person was made aware they hurt you shouldn't they apologize?  Shouldn't they do everything they can to not hurt you again?  I know I have hurt others...I still feel bad for stuff I did or said way back in high school or college.  I have apologized where I could, but some people I cannot find.

I had a couple of old boyfriends contact me purely to apologize.  What an amazing experience that was.  I wasn't even holding on to the hurt, but it felt really good to know they had felt bad about something they had done and were trying to make amends.  It's amazing though how the people who come back and apologize only hurt me a little bit, I hadn't even really remembered it.  But the people in my life who really really hurt me have never even thought about apologizing.  So I wonder if there is someone out there that I owe an apology to.  I know there is at least one person out there that thinks I owe them an apology because I didn't stick around when the hurt they were inflicting on me got to be too much.  But that is something I will not apologize for...I cannot see any good reason for a person to wait around and see how much more hurt will be inflicted upon them.

It is very freeing and empowering to live a life where you are not worried every day if it will be a good day or a bad one.  It is wonderful to know that if the one I love accidentally hurts me...he notices right away and will apologize and figure out what went wrong.  I still tend to ignore the hurt or retreat within myself.  But I'm slowly learning that the best way to handle this is to let the person know they hurt you.  How can they apologize if they had no idea.  After you let them know you have done your job...it is up to them what they will do with that information.  Easy to talk about...but so hard to do.  I have someone right now I need to confront and let them know that what they are doing is hurting me...but it is so hard for me to do.  Partly because I fear they will laugh it off and ignore me...but who knows...maybe they will acknowledge it.

So...do I owe you an apology? 

Random Thoughts

I haven't posted in a while because A. I was on spring break and so were my kids...which translates into never seeing my computer.  And B. because I have had a lot of random thoughts, but nothing I thought I could make a whole entry about and C. I have had a research paper hanging over my head and thought I should work on that rather than a blog entry.

So now spring break is over and I get my computer from 9-3 every day.  My paper is mostly written and I'm using the excuse of needing to sleep on it and read it again in the morning to take a break.  I still don't have a topic so I'll just write down my random thoughts...perhaps I'll develop them into complete blog entries someday.

Hugs...I love hugs and some people are much better at giving them than others.  My husband happens to be an excellent hug giver and knows when I really need one.  My friends are not much on the whole hugging thing but all his friends are great huggers and hug me whenever I see them.  I'm thinking this says something about me.

Hair is such an issue in my life.  I'm okay most times with the hair on my head, except it is super annoying when it is windy...but why does our culture insist on no hair on our legs.  I prefer no hair, but if I had never shaved my legs I wouldn't know it felt better that way.  It's such an annoyance to have to shave all the time.  Why are men allowed hair on their legs but not women?

Dreams...I love hearing about dreams and trying to figure out what they mean.  Most of my dreams center around frustration, what does that say about me?

Weight...why is it so easy to find and so difficult to lose.  Why can't weight be more like the remote control and be lost all the time.

I have two cats...nice cat and mean cat.  Mean cat is mine and nice cat is my husband's.  I'm willing to give mean cat away, but my husband is too soft-hearted, even though mean cat terrorizes nice cat.  Mean cat is the first cat I have ever known that hates to be touched.  I thought all cats were kinesthetic...not my mean cat.  But I know she does love me because she is always around me.  When I'm on the computer she is up on the desk...if I'm in the bedroom she is up on the back of the chair.  I feel bad for disliking mean cat at times...but come on...don't swat at me when I want to pet you.

Laundry...how many of us have come up with inventions in our heads to make doing laundry better.  For example the washer/dryer combo so we didn't have to move the laundry.  Or the laundry shoot that automatically emptied into the combo washer/dryer and when it was full it started automatically and then shot all the clothes into the closets.  Or better yet...clothes that never need washing.  And don't you hate it when you do every last scrap of laundry in the house and then go into your child's room and find another couple loads.

Birthdays...I want to remember everyone's birthday and send them a great gift to let them know I was thinking about them.  In reality all that happens is...oh shoot...yesterday was so and so's birthday.  Thanks goodness for Facebook...at least I can post a quick happy birthday post on their wall.  It makes me feel a little bit better. 

PMS...why do we women have to suffer through it and put our loved ones through it as well.  I have been grumpy for a week and I'm sick of it.  I feel bad about being snippy and cranky...but I can't seem to do anything about it.  Perhaps my family just needs to let me go hide with a giant bag of chocolate until I feel better.

Mmmm...chocolate...already did that post.  PMS and being on a diet do not mix well...perhaps this is the reason for the extended crankiness this month.

Well I hope you enjoyed my ADD post.  If there was any topic you want to hear me rant about further please let me know and I may be able to oblige :-)

What I have learned about kids recently

This semester I'm taking a course called Play Therapy.  I am also working in the nursery at church and I have three kids.  So I'm doing a lot with kids lately.  My professor is absolutely amazing.  He is this cute old man, he looks a little like Ross Perot.  This is his last semester teaching and I'm so very grateful I got into his class.  He is teaching us all about children in a simple but profound way.  Even the textbook (that he wrote) is interesting.  Just a few of the things I have learned already:

Never ask a question you already know the answer to.

Never answer a question that wasn't asked.

If you take the blame out of your statement the child is much more likely to comply.

Never do for the child what he or she can do for themselves.

Children are humans who need to be respected.

I'll go through these items more thoroughly.  Never asking questions we know the answer to.  I do this all the time and have noticed most adults do this.  For example your child is eating a brownie and has a huge smile on their face and you ask, "Do you like it?"  Of course they like it, it is obvious, if we simply say, "You really like that brownie."  that conveys a whole different meaning.  It shows the child you are aware of their feelings and you really understand them.  Another example is if the child is in the middle of drawing on the wall and you ask, "What are you doing?"  The child might think...hey if mom can't tell what I'm doing I'm sure not going to tell her.  They are already in trouble for drawing on the wall, why set them up to lie as well, or make them wonder why you can't tell what they are doing.  We also ask many questions that we have already decided an answer to, if they pick the wrong answer then we change it and let them down.  For example, "do you want to get your shoes on now?"  We really mean, "Please go get your shoes on now."  If you ask a question that leaves an option for the child to not do what was asked.

Never answer a question that wasn't asked.  If a child points to a toy and says, "is this a cow?"  What they are really saying is this looks like a cow to me.  It sounded like they were asking a question, but they really weren't.  Or they are asking questions and we give them more information than they asked for.  For example a child says, "Can I color on this paper?"  and you say, "Yes you can color on this paper, you can use these crayons and those pencils and you can draw a picture for your mom."  The only info the child was looking for was if they could use the paper.  I know so often I try to go above and beyond and do more than the child asked for, but this actually takes away learning opportunities for them.

Taking the blame out of the statement.  I have had a lot of practice with this one lately during nursery.  For example a couple kids love to turn on and off the light.  I started out by saying don't turn off the light.  You can guess the result of that one...it became a game.  The next week I said, "I know you really like turning off the light, but this light is not for turning off."  Ideally you want to substitute something they can do, like if there were another light available they could turn that one off instead.  But amazingly the kids have stopped turning off the light.  Or they try it once and go on to other things.  I have only used this on the 2 and 3 year olds at church, but I am having amazing results.  I forget when I'm in mom mode to use this on my kiddos.

Never do for the child what they can do themselves.  I am so very guilty of this one.  As soon as I see my child struggle I jump in to help.  The result...they are 10 years old when they learn to tie their shoes.  I have many other examples but I will not bore you with them :-)  Of course in the play therapy room you have the whole session to work with the child to get them to do something they can do for themselves whereas in real life we are often in a hurry.  But I really need to stop and let my children struggle from time to time, if I don't I am depriving them of many learning opportunities.  And the eventual payoff will be I won't have to do that task for them any more.

Children deserve respect.  This is something I have struggled with up until recently.  I have always believed that if you wanted a child to respect you, you first needed to respect them.  Unfortunately I was married to a man who believed a child should respect you no matter how you treated them.  And then wondered why on earth his children disrespected him.  You can do simple things to be respectful, such as taking the time to look them in the eye and really listen to what they have to say.  If you don't want them interrupting you, be sure not to interrupt them.  The list goes on and on, but if we do not respect our children while they are young, how can we expect them to grow up into respectful human beings. 

I am by no means an expert, I struggle with most of these things and will for the rest of my life.  And I realize that some stuff is much easier to implement in the play room than at home.  I just love learning such simple truths and seeing how they actually work in real life.  As a play therapist I will need to become proficient at this and much more...I just hope it rubs off onto my home life and I can be a better mom.

Letting Go

There are so many things that are hard to let go.  It can run from simply not being able to throw out that pretty ribbon because you might need it some day to letting go of a relationship that is unhealthy.  I have dealt with both of those issues and many more in between.  Why is it that I get a piece of ribbon on a wedding invitation or present and think I must hang onto it because I could use it for something.  Then when that perfect opportunity to use it comes up I hesitate because it's the only piece I have and I may want to use it for something better later on.  I do that all the time, not use something because I might need it later.  So when later never comes I have a houseful of stuff I might need someday.  It's a vicious cycle and I am trying to figure out how to let go.

I can let go of some things very easily.  I don't hold a grudge.  Even when I really want to I can't seem to hold onto a grudge.  I know that is generally a good thing, but there are times when it might help me to not make the same mistake over and over if I would at least remember what the consequences were going to be.  I also cannot seem to hold onto important papers.  Last week I lost my daughter's field trip form within about 10 minutes of receiving it.  I had to beg the teacher for a new one.  Another thing I am good at letting go of is my memory.  You can tell me your name and I will forget it by you have finished saying it.  I have no memory of what happened yesterday and have to work really hard to remember appointments.  Thank goodness for my phone and the alarms I can set.  I have reminders set for all sorts of events.  If you really want me to be somewhere make sure I put it in my phone.  And watch me do it too, otherwise if I just tell you I will put it in there you can be guaranteed I will forget.

But there are many things I cannot let go.  I keep all sorts of papers (just not the important ones apparently).  I have a hard time throwing food away (as noted by the various science experiments growing in the back of my fridge).  I'm okay throwing it away after it gets moldy, but for some reason it needs to sit in my fridge and grow that mold before I am willing to throw it away.  I have a hard time letting go of clothing.  I always think that someone else may get some use out of it so I don't want to toss the clothes.  But then I don't just want to give them to a charity for some reason.  I want to hand them to someone personally that could use them.  They can throw them away and it won't hurt my feelings, I just can't seem to do the deed.  I have many items in my house that need to be tossed but I cannot seem to let go.

Something I have noticed that a lot of people hold onto is toxic relationships.  I have several friends right now who have gone through or are going through a divorce.  Some are happy they are going to be divorced and others are devastated.  But even the happy ones have trouble letting go completely.  They know their lives are better now without that person, but they still cannot completely let go.  I understand because it took me a while to let go as well, but why does this happen?  Why do we as human beings have a hard time letting go of something or someone that is not a benefit in our lives anymore. 

I don't have any actual answers yet.  If I do I'll let you know what they are because I'll bet a lot of us would love to know why we cannot let go of things or people.  My guess would be we as humans like to be comfortable.  We hang onto what makes us comfortable whether it improves our lives or not.  It feels good to know there is a perfect piece of ribbon in my closet if I ever need it.  That is probably why I can never bring myself to use it because once I use it I don't have the security of it being there in my closet.  I may have a need arise and it won't be there for me.  I would have to go to the store and find some ribbon.  As for our relationships, many of us have invested a long time in them.  This is what we know and it's scary to think we have to go out in the world and start over.  I believe we hang onto those relationships because it feels better to know there is something there in the "closet" for us rather than having to go out to the "store" and make new friends and relationships.  But in the store there are many pieces of ribbon available and I'm sure to find a piece that is more perfect than the one in my closet would have been.  The same is true for relationships.  There are so many people to choose from and so much more opportunity to choose a relationship that was far better than the old one.  It may be uncomfortable at first, but the payoff is incredible.

So we are planning to move in the next few months.  It is my personal goal to see what I can let go.  I have worked really hard this past year to let go of a toxic relationship, now it is time to work on my stuff.  It's scary to let go of my stuff because I might not have the money to replace it if I wanted it again.  But if I could live in a smaller home because I had less stuff, then the money I would save would more than pay for when I had to buy something I really needed.  I would spend less time cleaning and organizing and not feel so weighed down by all my stuff.  I'm going to take baby steps and I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Happiness

So I have been thinking about what makes me happy.  Really and truly happy, like I am going to explode because my emotions are so intense happy.  Not just like, there are lots of things I like or even love, like chocolate of course.  I like laying out in the sun, playing stupid games on my phone and I even like it when my house is clean (I just don't like being the one to clean it).  But I'm talking about happiness here.


One thing that stands out in my mind when I think of really happy moments is when I've been able to see my three kids play together on the beach.  It makes me super happy whenever they play together, but there is something about it being on the beach that makes my heart swell up and almost explode out of my chest.  That is one of those moments that says this is what life is all about.

Another thing I have recently discovered that makes me super happy is having all three kids home at once.  With one at college and having to share the other two with their father this is a rare occasion.  It happened this weekend and although we didn't do anything huge together, it just felt right and so wonderful to have them all under the same roof.

One thing that I love to do and really ups the happy meter is hanging out with friends.  I love either going out to lunch or dinner or having a game night with a friend or group of friends that I really enjoy spending time with.  I haven't gotten to do this very much in the past but I really look forward to having friends that both my husband and I like and spending time with them.  I already really enjoy spending time with my husband's friends in Florida.  Even though I have not spent very much time with them, they instantly felt like family.  They were so welcoming of me and I genuinely like all of them.  It's one of the things that made me know without a doubt that my husband was the right man for me.  I really liked the people he had surrounded himself with and I think that says a lot about a person.  I miss them terribly and cannot wait to see them again.

Another thing that makes my heart sing is my husband.  He can do the smallest thing and my heart just wants to burst with happiness.  I cannot believe how much I love him and how happy I am simply because he is a part of my life.  It makes such a difference to be number one in your spouse's life.  I have never had that before and had no idea what I was missing.  But to know that I am the most import human being to my spouse is an incredible feeling.  One that I am grateful for each and every day.  I really look forward to growing old with him.

There are many other things that make me happy, but the last one I will touch on is my belief in God.  It is so incredible to know without a doubt that there is a superior being out there that loves me and knows me by name.  Who answers my prayers even when I don't feel like I am worth it.  It makes me really happy to know that this life is just a short blip in eternity.  And I'll bet the times I have felt the utmost happiness here on earth will not compare to an average day in heaven.

I am a very blessed and lucky woman to have so much in my life that makes me really and truly happy.  Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of trials in my life, but they are just trials, they always pass and they make me even more aware of the incredible blessings and happiness I have.