You never know

As most of you know I have been in school for the past year and a half or so.  I have learned a ton in that time.  I have become a slightly different person...for the better I believe.  I don't have experience with any other sort of Masters program so I can't honestly compare, but I really think that the nature of my program is different than most.  I think that by being in the counseling program, being taught by counselors, and having all my peers having a counseling frame of mind is much different than say getting your MBA or masters in Biology.

 

VS.

 

 One of the most important things that is stressed about my program is getting to know yourself.  You have to figure who you are and where you stand to be able to help others.  So in this program you do a lot of self-reflection and sharing with classmates.  One of our favorite phrases is...we need to process that...or how are you processing that?  Until this program I've never had a teacher come into class and ask me how I felt about the reading we did for the week.  I know for some this style of teaching would drive you crazy, but for me it is perfect.  I absolutely love it and have enjoyed getting to know myself better and understanding others a bit more clearly.

While I have learned so much in this past year, the absolute most important thing I think I have learned is that you never ever know what someone else is going through.  It seems like time and time again I walk into a classroom and think..."wow that person really has it all together."  They are so pretty, skinny, they are wearing cute clothing or after they introduce themselves they seem to have lots of experience and how could I possibly compare.  I am twice their age and haven't done near the good they have in the world.  Then out of the blue during a class they reveal something about themselves.  I don't know if students in the counseling program have gone through more than the average population, or if I'm just learning more about the people around me more than I normally would, but wow...there is a lot going on in every single person's life.

I have been blown away time and time again about what people are going through, the pain they are experiencing or have experienced and and amazed at their desire to help others.  It has definitely changed my view on others.  When I start being jealous of someone because it seems like they have it all together, I now start thinking about where is it that they are not perfect.  I used to think that some people just got to skip having major trials, but I have learned that is absolutely not true.  This past year I have met people who have or have had eating disorders, serious illnesses, depression, gone through abuse, lost loved ones to suicide, been deserted by loved ones, been rejected because of their sexual orientation, had prior drug or alcohol addiction or been close to someone with those addictions.  The list goes on and on, and I know this is only the surface, this is just what people are willing to talk about in class.  

I've also learned that not only does everyone have trials in their life and things they must go through, but that it is possible to get through these trials.  I am surrounded daily in school by people who have gone through something and come out the other side and now want to help others navigate through that same issue.  I am continually amazed at the resilience of people and how it is possible to keep moving on.  It doesn't mean that they have had their trial and now they are golden for the rest of their life...no, often the trials continue.  But it is possible to continue on...it is possible to keep moving.

So I am taking on a new look at people.  I'm starting to see the pain in people that they are trying so hard to hide.  I'm seeing the difference between really being happy and faking being happy.  I'm noticing that even when things look perfect on the outside, there is a possibility that they are not, and it isn't my job to judge what others may or may not be going through.  It is my job, as a human being, to be kind, loving and accepting and help when someone is struggling.  Instead of asking why on earth did so and so do that....I need to ask what might so and so be going through and how can I help? 

The Creativity of Jen

Today is my last free day before school starts up for me again.  I have a training I have to attend tomorrow so it will be all over and my time eaten up.  But I managed to get a few projects done this week.  First can I say how dissapointed I am that my youngest has not brought home one single piece of artwork to put up on my new wall?  I've been waiting for this week to be able to start using my Wall-O-Frames.

Anyhow...so a long time ago when I had less children and more time I made a scrapbook of every year the kids went to school.  It was simply a book filled with some schoolwork throughout the year and the class pictures and awards and such.  My poor youngest child just started 3rd grade and has yet to get a book.  She will pour over the other kids books for hours.  Finally yesterday I made her a 2nd grade book.  I showed it to her this afternoon and she got the biggest smile on her face and rushed downstairs to look at every page.  Then to top it off when her friend came over to play she spent at least a half hour showing her the scrapbook!!  Mom just got some bonus points!!

On to the next project.  I found this on Pinterest:

And so I made this:

I absolutely love it.  As you can tell my jewelery collection is pretty small and not that great...but now it has a much better place to be rather than the ziploc baggie it has been in for the last year.

Finally I saw this on Pinterest:

And thought...how cute...I can do that quickly and it's a project I have everything I need already around the house.  And made it look like this:

And I'm feeling pretty crafty today.  Now what to do with the whole roll of wire I had to buy to make the jewelery holder...anyone want to pay me to make them one?

Sharing

I'll admit it...I'm not great at sharing.  Some things I will share no problem...like if you want some old piece of junk that is taking up room in my garage I'll happily share that with you.  Or if you want to help pay for my groceries...I would gladly share my bill with you.  I will also share my amazing recipes with you (I have two).  But when it comes to most things I'm not very good about it.

For example, if you want my last bite of chocolate cake and I was really loving it...I probably wouldn't share it with you.  Or if you ask to borrow my sewing machine...hmmmm...I'd really have to think about that one...probably wouldn't share it either.  My husband is fantastic at sharing.  He always offers me the last piece of dessert.  He always makes sure I am comfortable and happy before he is.  I think anything I asked for he would share with me.

I remember growing up I didn't have to share much.  I was the oldest of three children and my two brothers were 5 and 7 years younger than me.  So I never had to share a bedroom.  After 7th grade I didn't even have to share a bathroom.  I didn't have to share my toys. I got my own phone line in high school (before cell phones...it was a big deal back then.)  I even had my own truck to drive that I didn't have to share.  And I don't recall it being taught to us to even share our food.  I remember snacks being pretty much a free for all, if you were too slow you missed out.  So I guess I can "blame" my childhood for my lack of wanting to share :-)

I have the hardest time sharing my kids.  I know it's part of being divorced...having to share the kids.  I will come out and say it...I hate it.  I don't like not being able to hear about their school day every Thursday.  I don't like missing out on a month of summer with them.  I don't like having to move Christmas every other year.  It's better than being married to their father and I do understand why I have to share them.  I know they need to see their father and their father needs time with them.  But even though I understand I can still dislike it.

It is really hard on Thursday mornings when I say goodbye to them on their way to school to know I won't get to see them again until Friday after school or every other weekend it is until Monday after school.  That part just doesn't get any easier.  I was hoping it would get easier...I try to think of the benefits...I get to sleep in on Friday mornings.  I get a date weekend with my husband every other weekend.  And yes I do enjoy those benefits, but they are not worth having to share my children.

I do my best to fill up the time they are away from me with stuff that I don't want to have to do while they are around.  For example this summer while they were gone I took an extra class.  During the school year I make sure I do all my homework during the day so I have plenty of time for them when they are here.  I don't sit and brood all day or anything.  But that pang of heartache that hits me each Thursday morning catches me every time.

 

The one great thing about sharing my children is every time they come back home I am so glad to see them.  I get a chance to appreciate them and not take them for granted each and every week. This is how I get through the times they are away.  I think about how excited I will be when they come home and I make sure my own batteries are recharged so I can be the best mom ever when they walk back in that door.  The first hour or so after they get home is always a magical one for me.  They catch me up on everything that happened while they were gone and they ask what I did.  For a small moment in time everything is perfect, they don't fight and everyone is so happy to be back together again.  It's that moment that makes having to share worth it.

My attempt at home decorating

I love to create things, but home decorating has never been a forte of mine.  I have great ideas in my head, but they don't usually work out or I never have the guts to try them.  So recently I have been inspired to try a project.  First I saw this great idea of a gallery wall on my friend Kristen's blog.

Then I was playing around on pinterest and found this:

I've been wanting a way to show off the kids artwork rather than on the fridge and here was the perfect idea.  So I took my boring wall in the dining room...

...then I went garage sale hunting for picture frames and ended up with these...

...after taking out the artwork (yes, I felt a little bad about it, but it was being sold at a garage sale) I slapped some paint on the frames...

...I love how I can make it sound like it took me a few minutes to paint the frames...it actually took me a few days, but the process was still fun.  I also outlined each frame on newspaper and messed around with the design I wanted for a while.  Then I hung everything up and I ended up with this.

 Each of the empty frames has a clip to hang artwork from.  I wish I had a great camera to get an amazing shot of the wall, but you will have to imagine how it actually looks.  I can't wait to get some artwork home from school to start filling up the frames.

I will probably add some design elements to the wall as I find them.  Once I get some curtains my dining room should be decorated...at least decorated enough for me.

Time Part 2

So I have been working on my little experiment...trying to do something for someone else real quick before I sit down to "take a break".  I'll be honest, it isn't easy.  But I am getting some things accomplished that just need to be done.  I haven't done a whole lot, but in the last 48 hours I have sent my parents a thank you for visiting us last weekend, sent a quick note to someone I had been thinking about but never bothered to tell her that before, apologized to my daughter for not being available right when she needed me, wrote in the journal I keep for my daughter (the last entry was 3 years ago), called a friend instead of just emailing her and probably a couple other small things.  Nothing was huge, but it was all stuff sitting at the back of my mind waiting to be done. 

 What I am finding most though is how often I sit down and play for a few minutes.  Wow, those minutes must add up.  When I can't come up with something to do for someone else off the top of my head, I do a chore instead.  I do something that needs to be done and is more important that playing my next word in Hanging with Friends.  And guess what, the chore gets done and I still get the word played.  I'm still wasting time, but I'm getting those little things done as well.  It literally feels like I have somehow bought a couple extra minutes each day.  Now granted the last 48 hours have not exactly been really busy or stressful.  The real test will be when school starts back and I'm actually busy instead of trying to fit in swimming and date night into the same day.

So I consider this little experiment a success and will continue to try and condition myself that before I sit down for a break I be sure to do something for someone else however small it may be.  I'm hoping all those little deeds will add up like my down time has certainly added up.  And maybe someday I will be spending more time on those little deeds than I am wasting time.

Now I am getting off the computer so I can paint my little girls nails :-)  Much better use of my time I would say!!

Time

It's amazing how time gets away from us.  We constantly have good intentions and suddenly a few days, months or years get away from us.  Prime example, this blog.  I started out with so many great ideas and holding myself back from writing three posts a day.  Suddenly I look and it's been four months since I posted.  I've had great ideas to post about in the mean time, just not the time.  Wait this is about being honest...I had the time...bits and pieces here and there...I just didn't take the time to sit down and write.  Isn't that how it goes too often.  We say "I don't have the time" and yet we take the time to play a silly game on our phone or we watch a tv show we don't even really like. 

Now while taking the time to write this blog isn't very important...but how many times have I spent time foolishly when I could have been spending it with my children, husband, friends, or even in service to someone I don't know.  I always have the excuse of needing to relax, or take a minute for myself.  I know there are many people out there, especially women that need to do just that.  They have small kids at home or a demanding job, or both and definitely need to take time to themselves.  I am not in that position.  When the kids are in school I have all day to myself.  I usually spend it doing school work, but I certainly do not need time away to myself after everyone gets home.  I have found that I miss everyone during the day and I cannot wait for school and work to end so everyone can be home with me.  And yet still sometime during the evening we all find ourselves on our electronics, together, but not interacting.  I really cherish the evenings where we get a lively discussion going at dinner and no one wants to leave the table.  Unfortunately, more often, as soon as everyone is done we all go our separate ways.

What would happen if every time I wanted to play a game on my phone I did something for someone else instead.  Would I get all stressed out never getting some down time?  Or would I be uplifted and be a better person?  I'll be honest, the thought is very overwhelming.  I really like my phone.  I like playing scrabble with my husband and friends.  I especially like checking Facebook.  I really want to try this, but I think I need to do baby steps.  Maybe when I want to play on my phone, I first do something small for someone and then go play.  It wouldn't take long to send a quick message to tell someone I was thinking about them.  Or go fold some clothes for my husband.  Maybe after a while it would get easier.

I had no idea this was what I was going to write about when I sat down this morning.  This must have been brewing around in the back of my mind somewhere.  But I am going to try it.  I'm not going to give up my silly phone games, but I am going to try for 24 hours to do something for someone else before I check Facebook or play that Scrabble word.  Just 24 hours.  I can do it.  I'll let you know how it goes and see if I want to try it for a longer period of time.


I'm tired of time getting away from me.  I hope this is a way to recapture it...even just a little bit of it. 

Multi-tasking

Supposedly women are great at multi-tasking.  And I guess if you call making dinner, helping with homework, cleaning the kitchen, and fixing the computer all while talking on the phone multi-tasking...then I can do it.  I just don't do it well.  I can handle all the little things like the scenario above, but when it comes to major projects it's really hard for me to move ahead with a project until the previous project is finished.

For example my school work, I like to work on one paper or assignment at a time.  When that one is finished then I can move on to the next one.  I have a really hard time jumping around from assignment to assignment.  Luckily I work pretty far ahead of time usually and have time to work in this manner.

Where I really run into trouble is with big events such as planning a party, moving, planning for a vacation or holiday etc.  If I have several events coming up it is really hard for me to start on one event before the previous event is finished.  Like right now, I am planning on moving at the end of the month.  So, I should start packing.  But we don't have a for sure approval on the house that we want...so it's hard for me to start packing...even though if this house doesn't work, another one will.  I am moving.  (My positive thinking mantra right now :-)  Another step is I have to get my house in order and looking nice and neat so our landlords can rent it out.  On top of that I have my schoolwork, my youngest came home with two big projects due the Monday after we plan on moving and my regular day to day life happenings.  With all this going on I have to get started on something...cleaning, packing, school work...something.  And what am I doing?  Writing a blog entry.

It's like my mind goes into overload and shuts down.  But let me evaluate what I did today.  I got one room in the house cleaned, I wrote a paper that isn't due until the end of April, I did a couple loads of laundry, got a great idea for my daughter's science fair project and I found someone who can give me a bunch of boxes. So all in all, not a wasted day, but there is so much more to do.  I just cannot get past the fact that I do not know for sure if we have the house or not.  It's like that will set my mind free to start working on all these projects that need to happen in order for me to move.

How do I get past this...what is it that allows people to work on several things at once and get them all done?  Where is that multi-tasking gene that I missed out on?  Can I get it injected please!

Getting Hurt

Have you ever been hurt?  I have.  I think one of the worst parts of getting hurt is when the person hurting you  refuses to acknowledge that they hurt you.  Another hard part is when almost no one around you believes that you have been hurt...that perhaps you are over reacting or making it up.  It is so incredibly validating when someone can look into your eyes and tell you they believe that you are hurting.

How do you handle being hurt?  My go to defense mechanism is to ignore it and hope it goes away.  I'll save you some trouble and let you know...that doesn't work very well....no that doesn't work at all.  Another way I deal is to retreat within myself...this only works if the person hurting you realized they hurt you because you have stopped talking.  If the person is self-centered and doesn't care...this will not work.

I forgive pretty easily, but this is part of my ignore it and hope it goes away.  It's really easy for me to make excuses for everyone around me...like they didn't know they hurt me or they didn't mean to do it.  As soon as they are nice again I can say to myself...see I was right...they weren't hurting intentionally.  But does intentionality matter?  If the person was made aware they hurt you shouldn't they apologize?  Shouldn't they do everything they can to not hurt you again?  I know I have hurt others...I still feel bad for stuff I did or said way back in high school or college.  I have apologized where I could, but some people I cannot find.

I had a couple of old boyfriends contact me purely to apologize.  What an amazing experience that was.  I wasn't even holding on to the hurt, but it felt really good to know they had felt bad about something they had done and were trying to make amends.  It's amazing though how the people who come back and apologize only hurt me a little bit, I hadn't even really remembered it.  But the people in my life who really really hurt me have never even thought about apologizing.  So I wonder if there is someone out there that I owe an apology to.  I know there is at least one person out there that thinks I owe them an apology because I didn't stick around when the hurt they were inflicting on me got to be too much.  But that is something I will not apologize for...I cannot see any good reason for a person to wait around and see how much more hurt will be inflicted upon them.

It is very freeing and empowering to live a life where you are not worried every day if it will be a good day or a bad one.  It is wonderful to know that if the one I love accidentally hurts me...he notices right away and will apologize and figure out what went wrong.  I still tend to ignore the hurt or retreat within myself.  But I'm slowly learning that the best way to handle this is to let the person know they hurt you.  How can they apologize if they had no idea.  After you let them know you have done your job...it is up to them what they will do with that information.  Easy to talk about...but so hard to do.  I have someone right now I need to confront and let them know that what they are doing is hurting me...but it is so hard for me to do.  Partly because I fear they will laugh it off and ignore me...but who knows...maybe they will acknowledge it.

So...do I owe you an apology? 

Random Thoughts

I haven't posted in a while because A. I was on spring break and so were my kids...which translates into never seeing my computer.  And B. because I have had a lot of random thoughts, but nothing I thought I could make a whole entry about and C. I have had a research paper hanging over my head and thought I should work on that rather than a blog entry.

So now spring break is over and I get my computer from 9-3 every day.  My paper is mostly written and I'm using the excuse of needing to sleep on it and read it again in the morning to take a break.  I still don't have a topic so I'll just write down my random thoughts...perhaps I'll develop them into complete blog entries someday.

Hugs...I love hugs and some people are much better at giving them than others.  My husband happens to be an excellent hug giver and knows when I really need one.  My friends are not much on the whole hugging thing but all his friends are great huggers and hug me whenever I see them.  I'm thinking this says something about me.

Hair is such an issue in my life.  I'm okay most times with the hair on my head, except it is super annoying when it is windy...but why does our culture insist on no hair on our legs.  I prefer no hair, but if I had never shaved my legs I wouldn't know it felt better that way.  It's such an annoyance to have to shave all the time.  Why are men allowed hair on their legs but not women?

Dreams...I love hearing about dreams and trying to figure out what they mean.  Most of my dreams center around frustration, what does that say about me?

Weight...why is it so easy to find and so difficult to lose.  Why can't weight be more like the remote control and be lost all the time.

I have two cats...nice cat and mean cat.  Mean cat is mine and nice cat is my husband's.  I'm willing to give mean cat away, but my husband is too soft-hearted, even though mean cat terrorizes nice cat.  Mean cat is the first cat I have ever known that hates to be touched.  I thought all cats were kinesthetic...not my mean cat.  But I know she does love me because she is always around me.  When I'm on the computer she is up on the desk...if I'm in the bedroom she is up on the back of the chair.  I feel bad for disliking mean cat at times...but come on...don't swat at me when I want to pet you.

Laundry...how many of us have come up with inventions in our heads to make doing laundry better.  For example the washer/dryer combo so we didn't have to move the laundry.  Or the laundry shoot that automatically emptied into the combo washer/dryer and when it was full it started automatically and then shot all the clothes into the closets.  Or better yet...clothes that never need washing.  And don't you hate it when you do every last scrap of laundry in the house and then go into your child's room and find another couple loads.

Birthdays...I want to remember everyone's birthday and send them a great gift to let them know I was thinking about them.  In reality all that happens is...oh shoot...yesterday was so and so's birthday.  Thanks goodness for Facebook...at least I can post a quick happy birthday post on their wall.  It makes me feel a little bit better. 

PMS...why do we women have to suffer through it and put our loved ones through it as well.  I have been grumpy for a week and I'm sick of it.  I feel bad about being snippy and cranky...but I can't seem to do anything about it.  Perhaps my family just needs to let me go hide with a giant bag of chocolate until I feel better.

Mmmm...chocolate...already did that post.  PMS and being on a diet do not mix well...perhaps this is the reason for the extended crankiness this month.

Well I hope you enjoyed my ADD post.  If there was any topic you want to hear me rant about further please let me know and I may be able to oblige :-)

What I have learned about kids recently

This semester I'm taking a course called Play Therapy.  I am also working in the nursery at church and I have three kids.  So I'm doing a lot with kids lately.  My professor is absolutely amazing.  He is this cute old man, he looks a little like Ross Perot.  This is his last semester teaching and I'm so very grateful I got into his class.  He is teaching us all about children in a simple but profound way.  Even the textbook (that he wrote) is interesting.  Just a few of the things I have learned already:

Never ask a question you already know the answer to.

Never answer a question that wasn't asked.

If you take the blame out of your statement the child is much more likely to comply.

Never do for the child what he or she can do for themselves.

Children are humans who need to be respected.

I'll go through these items more thoroughly.  Never asking questions we know the answer to.  I do this all the time and have noticed most adults do this.  For example your child is eating a brownie and has a huge smile on their face and you ask, "Do you like it?"  Of course they like it, it is obvious, if we simply say, "You really like that brownie."  that conveys a whole different meaning.  It shows the child you are aware of their feelings and you really understand them.  Another example is if the child is in the middle of drawing on the wall and you ask, "What are you doing?"  The child might think...hey if mom can't tell what I'm doing I'm sure not going to tell her.  They are already in trouble for drawing on the wall, why set them up to lie as well, or make them wonder why you can't tell what they are doing.  We also ask many questions that we have already decided an answer to, if they pick the wrong answer then we change it and let them down.  For example, "do you want to get your shoes on now?"  We really mean, "Please go get your shoes on now."  If you ask a question that leaves an option for the child to not do what was asked.

Never answer a question that wasn't asked.  If a child points to a toy and says, "is this a cow?"  What they are really saying is this looks like a cow to me.  It sounded like they were asking a question, but they really weren't.  Or they are asking questions and we give them more information than they asked for.  For example a child says, "Can I color on this paper?"  and you say, "Yes you can color on this paper, you can use these crayons and those pencils and you can draw a picture for your mom."  The only info the child was looking for was if they could use the paper.  I know so often I try to go above and beyond and do more than the child asked for, but this actually takes away learning opportunities for them.

Taking the blame out of the statement.  I have had a lot of practice with this one lately during nursery.  For example a couple kids love to turn on and off the light.  I started out by saying don't turn off the light.  You can guess the result of that one...it became a game.  The next week I said, "I know you really like turning off the light, but this light is not for turning off."  Ideally you want to substitute something they can do, like if there were another light available they could turn that one off instead.  But amazingly the kids have stopped turning off the light.  Or they try it once and go on to other things.  I have only used this on the 2 and 3 year olds at church, but I am having amazing results.  I forget when I'm in mom mode to use this on my kiddos.

Never do for the child what they can do themselves.  I am so very guilty of this one.  As soon as I see my child struggle I jump in to help.  The result...they are 10 years old when they learn to tie their shoes.  I have many other examples but I will not bore you with them :-)  Of course in the play therapy room you have the whole session to work with the child to get them to do something they can do for themselves whereas in real life we are often in a hurry.  But I really need to stop and let my children struggle from time to time, if I don't I am depriving them of many learning opportunities.  And the eventual payoff will be I won't have to do that task for them any more.

Children deserve respect.  This is something I have struggled with up until recently.  I have always believed that if you wanted a child to respect you, you first needed to respect them.  Unfortunately I was married to a man who believed a child should respect you no matter how you treated them.  And then wondered why on earth his children disrespected him.  You can do simple things to be respectful, such as taking the time to look them in the eye and really listen to what they have to say.  If you don't want them interrupting you, be sure not to interrupt them.  The list goes on and on, but if we do not respect our children while they are young, how can we expect them to grow up into respectful human beings. 

I am by no means an expert, I struggle with most of these things and will for the rest of my life.  And I realize that some stuff is much easier to implement in the play room than at home.  I just love learning such simple truths and seeing how they actually work in real life.  As a play therapist I will need to become proficient at this and much more...I just hope it rubs off onto my home life and I can be a better mom.

Letting Go

There are so many things that are hard to let go.  It can run from simply not being able to throw out that pretty ribbon because you might need it some day to letting go of a relationship that is unhealthy.  I have dealt with both of those issues and many more in between.  Why is it that I get a piece of ribbon on a wedding invitation or present and think I must hang onto it because I could use it for something.  Then when that perfect opportunity to use it comes up I hesitate because it's the only piece I have and I may want to use it for something better later on.  I do that all the time, not use something because I might need it later.  So when later never comes I have a houseful of stuff I might need someday.  It's a vicious cycle and I am trying to figure out how to let go.

I can let go of some things very easily.  I don't hold a grudge.  Even when I really want to I can't seem to hold onto a grudge.  I know that is generally a good thing, but there are times when it might help me to not make the same mistake over and over if I would at least remember what the consequences were going to be.  I also cannot seem to hold onto important papers.  Last week I lost my daughter's field trip form within about 10 minutes of receiving it.  I had to beg the teacher for a new one.  Another thing I am good at letting go of is my memory.  You can tell me your name and I will forget it by you have finished saying it.  I have no memory of what happened yesterday and have to work really hard to remember appointments.  Thank goodness for my phone and the alarms I can set.  I have reminders set for all sorts of events.  If you really want me to be somewhere make sure I put it in my phone.  And watch me do it too, otherwise if I just tell you I will put it in there you can be guaranteed I will forget.

But there are many things I cannot let go.  I keep all sorts of papers (just not the important ones apparently).  I have a hard time throwing food away (as noted by the various science experiments growing in the back of my fridge).  I'm okay throwing it away after it gets moldy, but for some reason it needs to sit in my fridge and grow that mold before I am willing to throw it away.  I have a hard time letting go of clothing.  I always think that someone else may get some use out of it so I don't want to toss the clothes.  But then I don't just want to give them to a charity for some reason.  I want to hand them to someone personally that could use them.  They can throw them away and it won't hurt my feelings, I just can't seem to do the deed.  I have many items in my house that need to be tossed but I cannot seem to let go.

Something I have noticed that a lot of people hold onto is toxic relationships.  I have several friends right now who have gone through or are going through a divorce.  Some are happy they are going to be divorced and others are devastated.  But even the happy ones have trouble letting go completely.  They know their lives are better now without that person, but they still cannot completely let go.  I understand because it took me a while to let go as well, but why does this happen?  Why do we as human beings have a hard time letting go of something or someone that is not a benefit in our lives anymore. 

I don't have any actual answers yet.  If I do I'll let you know what they are because I'll bet a lot of us would love to know why we cannot let go of things or people.  My guess would be we as humans like to be comfortable.  We hang onto what makes us comfortable whether it improves our lives or not.  It feels good to know there is a perfect piece of ribbon in my closet if I ever need it.  That is probably why I can never bring myself to use it because once I use it I don't have the security of it being there in my closet.  I may have a need arise and it won't be there for me.  I would have to go to the store and find some ribbon.  As for our relationships, many of us have invested a long time in them.  This is what we know and it's scary to think we have to go out in the world and start over.  I believe we hang onto those relationships because it feels better to know there is something there in the "closet" for us rather than having to go out to the "store" and make new friends and relationships.  But in the store there are many pieces of ribbon available and I'm sure to find a piece that is more perfect than the one in my closet would have been.  The same is true for relationships.  There are so many people to choose from and so much more opportunity to choose a relationship that was far better than the old one.  It may be uncomfortable at first, but the payoff is incredible.

So we are planning to move in the next few months.  It is my personal goal to see what I can let go.  I have worked really hard this past year to let go of a toxic relationship, now it is time to work on my stuff.  It's scary to let go of my stuff because I might not have the money to replace it if I wanted it again.  But if I could live in a smaller home because I had less stuff, then the money I would save would more than pay for when I had to buy something I really needed.  I would spend less time cleaning and organizing and not feel so weighed down by all my stuff.  I'm going to take baby steps and I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Happiness

So I have been thinking about what makes me happy.  Really and truly happy, like I am going to explode because my emotions are so intense happy.  Not just like, there are lots of things I like or even love, like chocolate of course.  I like laying out in the sun, playing stupid games on my phone and I even like it when my house is clean (I just don't like being the one to clean it).  But I'm talking about happiness here.


One thing that stands out in my mind when I think of really happy moments is when I've been able to see my three kids play together on the beach.  It makes me super happy whenever they play together, but there is something about it being on the beach that makes my heart swell up and almost explode out of my chest.  That is one of those moments that says this is what life is all about.

Another thing I have recently discovered that makes me super happy is having all three kids home at once.  With one at college and having to share the other two with their father this is a rare occasion.  It happened this weekend and although we didn't do anything huge together, it just felt right and so wonderful to have them all under the same roof.

One thing that I love to do and really ups the happy meter is hanging out with friends.  I love either going out to lunch or dinner or having a game night with a friend or group of friends that I really enjoy spending time with.  I haven't gotten to do this very much in the past but I really look forward to having friends that both my husband and I like and spending time with them.  I already really enjoy spending time with my husband's friends in Florida.  Even though I have not spent very much time with them, they instantly felt like family.  They were so welcoming of me and I genuinely like all of them.  It's one of the things that made me know without a doubt that my husband was the right man for me.  I really liked the people he had surrounded himself with and I think that says a lot about a person.  I miss them terribly and cannot wait to see them again.

Another thing that makes my heart sing is my husband.  He can do the smallest thing and my heart just wants to burst with happiness.  I cannot believe how much I love him and how happy I am simply because he is a part of my life.  It makes such a difference to be number one in your spouse's life.  I have never had that before and had no idea what I was missing.  But to know that I am the most import human being to my spouse is an incredible feeling.  One that I am grateful for each and every day.  I really look forward to growing old with him.

There are many other things that make me happy, but the last one I will touch on is my belief in God.  It is so incredible to know without a doubt that there is a superior being out there that loves me and knows me by name.  Who answers my prayers even when I don't feel like I am worth it.  It makes me really happy to know that this life is just a short blip in eternity.  And I'll bet the times I have felt the utmost happiness here on earth will not compare to an average day in heaven.

I am a very blessed and lucky woman to have so much in my life that makes me really and truly happy.  Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of trials in my life, but they are just trials, they always pass and they make me even more aware of the incredible blessings and happiness I have.   

Chocolate

So the other day I burned my tongue on a spoonful of chocolate fondue.  If I have to burn my tongue I can think of no better way to do it.  To me chocolate is the perfect food.  I had a friend once say that she hoped that there was chocolate and fruit in heaven.  I'm just hoping for the chocolate, the fruit would just be a nice side benefit.

I am hopelessly addicted to chocolate.  I have to have some every day.  I lost a ton of weight a while ago and would go weeks without chocolate.  I can't imagine how I did that.  I've got to have something chocolate.  I try and rid my house completely of chocolate so I can get over my addiction, but I always find some somewhere.  Or I bake something.

The absolute best form of chocolate is the brownie.  But not just any brownie, for some reason brownies from a mix are so much better than completely homemade.  I keep trying to find a recipe that makes amazing brownies, but nothing compares to a mix.  And I have a favorite mix.  My kids have all sorts foods that they cannot eat so we have to eat the good chocolate.  And Ghirardelli makes an awesome brownie mix.  And Costco carries a huge box of this amazing brownie mix.  Which translates into great brownies whenever the mood strikes.  (Just an FYI...if you run out of eggs and choose to use applesauce instead like the internet suggests, it doesn't work so well.  They still taste fantastic, just really super gooey.  We had to eat them with a spoon.)  Oh and don't be putting any nuts into the chocolate brownie...that is not allowed.  Additional chocolate chips are encouraged.

I have become a chocolate snob in the past few years.  Since we figured out the kids couldn't have regular chocolate like Hershey's or Nestle's and we have had to have Ghirardelli's a lot, a Hershey bar or a Kit Kat just doesn't do it for me anymore.  Now in a pinch I might just have to make myself eat a regular chocolate bar, but luckily they sell the good stuff at Target and Wal-Mart.  And Sprouts has the best malted milk balls, we never buy anything healthy at that store, just candy.  (For non-locals Sprouts is a healthy food store.  Most people in line have bags of veggies and fruits...not us...we have our bags of chocolate.)

I married a chocolate lover as well.  That is good and bad.  I don't feel guilty anymore when I really want some chocolate...he usually does too.  But then if I say I really want some chocolate I don't have that other voice that says, we really shouldn't.

So what is the food you cannot do without?  The food you will go to huge lengths to obtain at times.  And does anyone have an amazing brownie recipe that rivals my box mixes?  I would love to have one on hand when my mixes run out.  We live too far from the grocery store and sometimes a girl just has to have her chocolate.

There are three types of people in the world

As the title promised, people can be categorized into three types.  Male, female and alien.  While that may be true, this post is about being visual, auditory or kinesthetic.  I read about this from a book called How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman.  I don't remember how to get people to like me, but I do remember the part about the different types because it is fascinating.

Basically it boils down to how you interact with the world.  Do you respond best by seeing, hearing or touching?  And of course many people are a combination.  I am far and away kinesthetic, I definitely go through the world touching things.  I can't walk through a store without touching anything that has an interesting texture.  And a fabric store, forget it, everything in there is getting touched.  My husband is kinesthetic as well so it works out very well for us since we experience the world in much the same way.  Although you may get a laugh if you go shopping with us.

One of my daughters is visual.  It's so interesting the conversations we have, especially about clothing.  For me comfort comes first, then I worry if it looks good.  She is the opposite way so we will be out shopping and she will try on something.  I'll say, "it's super cute, but is it comfortable?"  And she will roll her eyes and say who cares, if it's cute that is all that matters.  Since we both are aware of the way we experience the world we can laugh about it.  But when you are not aware some real clashes can occur.

vs. 

For example the words you use are tied to your type.  If you are trying to talk to another person and you are visual and you may use sentences like, "Can't you see the problem?", "Can you visualize what I'm talking about here?" If the other person is auditory they may not get it at all.  You may need to adjust and say something like, "Can you hear what I'm saying?"  "Does this sound right to you?"  And of course if you are kinesthetic like me you need sentences like, "Does this feel right?"  "Can we touch on the subject a bit more."  This is something I need to actively think about when I'm counseling so I can better relate to my clients.

Have you ever had the experience with a spouse or a child that never seems to understand what you are saying?  You think you must be speaking another language because they do not understand what you are saying.  The truth is, you may be speaking another type of language, one they cannot relate to properly.  If you take the time to speak in terms they can understand, you may suddenly be heard (or felt or seen :-)

My oldest daughter and I love to play the game of guess what everyone's type is if we are in a people watching type of situation.  Visual is super easy to identify, they are well dressed, well groomed and usually look very put together.  Kinesthetic is pretty easy too, they are usually wearing comfortable clothing.  If a man has facial hair they are almost always kinesthetic.  Auditory isn't as easy, but they will be the ones with the headphones in their ears or talking non-stop.  And of course no one is completely in one category, we all use the different senses at different times, but it helps to know what is dominant.


So what are you?  It actually took me a long time to figure out which I was.  For years I was living a life where I wasn't being true to myself.  I kept trying to convince myself that my life was something that it wasn't.  When I broke out of that, it suddenly was extremely obvious that I was kinesthetic.  I had buried my need to experience the world through touch and by doing that had buried my personality a bit as well.  By figuring out how you and the different people around you experience the world it can open up paths of communication that did not exist prior. 

So figure out what is your type.  And of course I always love to play games so if you want me to try and guess your style I'd be happy to :-)

Love

"Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love, and you cannot track that, not with a thousand blood hounds, and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords"...Buttercup in The Princess Bride.

Love is such an amazing thing.  It has so many forms and unique qualities.  You can love everything from chocolate cake to your soul mate and lots of stuff in between.  When you give away love, it comes back to you (kind of like losing weight...the pounds always seem to come back).  When you have to spread love around it multiplies rather than divides (unlike my bank account).  You can love someone and hate the choices they are making.  You can love someone when you don't even like them.  The love a mother has for her children is amazing.  They can drive her crazy day in and day out, but she would give her life for them in a heartbeat if needed.

There is the love you have for a partner or spouse.  Sometimes it fades over times, sometimes it grows stronger and stronger as time passes.  Sometime you think you are in love, but really have no idea what true love is.  But when you find true love it is amazing.  To have a partner that is truly that...a partner... is wonderful.  Having someone who loves you as much as you love them.  Who cares about you and always wants the absolute best for you and you want the same for them.  I had always thought loving someone meant constantly compromising for them.  I have recently learned that when you really love someone, you want the best for them and in giving them the best you have to offer, it doesn't feel like a compromise.  Especially since your partner is doing the same for you.

Of course this topic has been on my mind because of Valentine's day today.  It's been interesting to see the various posts on Facebook ranging between professing love to hating the day.  I personally like the day because it's all about love and showing those you love that they are important to you.  And I know that we are supposed to do this every day...and I really think I do let my kids and husband know every day how much I love them...but if someone wants to throw some chocolates and flowers my way today...bring it on!!

Even if you aren't married or in a relationship...think about the people (or animals, or even chocolate cake) you do love and what you love most about them.  See if you can figure out a way to let them know that today.  And just like a boomerang, your love will be returned to you.  And you usually receive more than you gave out.  So kinda picture throwing a boomerang and when it comes back it's covered in layers of yummy chocolate.  (And I googled chocolate boomerang after writing this and there is such a thing...so now you have a visual :-)

Happy Valentine's Day everyone...have a wonderful love filled day...and don't forget the chocolate!!